Suicide, Grief and Loss Part 4

THE PERSONAL IMPACT ON ME OF BEING BEREAVED BY SUICIDE.

Robbie Gee

9/13/20244 min read

It seems selfish to discuss what impact my friend’s death has had on me. After all, it was her that died. People will say it is hard for those left behind, but most are not prepared to listen, to understand how this affects you. My friend’s death by suicide challenged my whole understanding of life, death, and their meaning. I have known other people who have taken their own life, but none have had the same profound impact on me. Not only did it make me question my own morals and values, it made me question my own life and its validity. If people suffer so much, why should we not let them end their lives with dignity? Would that alter how I felt about her death? Possibly. How can we find value in the emptiness that is left behind? Not only do these questions and thoughts increase the desire for answers, but also the hope of an afterlife free of pain. However, according to many religious beliefs, the latter will be denied. I found myself searching for answers within religious and other spiritual beliefs, but did not find the answers I needed.

I have veered from anger to hopelessness, to being numb and empty. Some days I have been unable to function, my mind gripped by a deep sense of loss and a physical pain that tightens and almost contorts my whole body. Then there is a distinct case of brain fog and not being able to focus on the daily tasks of living. Hearing her voice and seeing her when she is not there. Going through messages and photos, over and over again, wondering if I could have stopped her.

A particularly difficult feeling to go through was that of being abandoned by her. The person whom I trusted and who I thought really understood me. The rational part of me understands that she did not abandon me, but the other more emotive side of my brain screams, “she left you behind”. For me there was no real response for this feeling but to continue, in the hope time will lessen the intensity of these feelings. Nine months on and the feelings and pain are still very real, and I often question if they will ever be manageable.

From learning of my friend’s death by suicide, I have been plagued by thoughts of, “if I cannot help my best friend, or myself, how can I help others?” I give talks about mental health and well-being, and actively encourage people to seek help and support, to open up about what they are going through. But this sense of futility and helplessness struck me to the core.

Another thought that bounced around my head was the impermanence of life, and how unprepared we are for this. We fight tooth and nail to deny the cycle of life and death. We do not talk about death until it happens, and as such we are ill-equipped to deal with death and its aftermath.

It focussed my thoughts about what would happen to those people I care about if I died. I do not have a lot of things with great monetary value, but this could be a lot for them to deal with. w I would like my death to be marked. I could die tomorrow by accident, heart attack or other ways, and they have not only to deal with grieving but also the formalities of the death; - registering the death, notifying everyone, sorting bank accounts, insurance, probate, social media accounts etc. Whilst thinking about her death and searching for meaning I stumbled across the Swedish practice of “death cleaning”, known as Döstädning. It involves decluttering personal belongings to what is necessary so that loved ones or executors, do not have too much to deal with upon your death. The concept was popularised by the New York Times best-selling book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson. This made me realise how unprepared I am for my own death. I have certain things that I would like specific people to have and a small amount of money to distribute. I also have certain clear ideas of ho

Trying to find a way forward and reflect on her death and my own mortality has encouraged me to “start to put my affairs in order”. This does not mean I am planning to die very soon, but gives me an awareness of what might help those left behind after I die. Trying to think about your own death in a positive way is hard, and for me did not come easy. It was painful and uncomfortable, but for me, it was essential.

I started by looking at how I would want my body to be dealt with. I am an organ donor, so if bits of me can help others, then so be it. I would like the rest of my body to be cremated. A non-mainstream, religious ceremony with a celebration of life and rebirth. For my ashes to be planted in some woods, with a tree sapling on top. My funeral is paid for, and I have life insurance. I would like to leave something personal to those I care about and individual message for each of them.

Breaking down what I want to happen after I die and making others aware of this, seems like a big task and will need regularly updating, as thoughts and circumstances change. However, giving a set time each week to complete a bit of it will hopefully it will seem less overwhelming.

Her death has highlighted to me, that whilst I grieve for her, and this is painful and hard, I can learn from this, and find ways to lessen the burden on others when I die

For the fifth element of the blog, I consider “my personal way of making sense of my friend’s death”.

USEFUL ORGANISATIONS

AMPARO

Support for those affected by someone’s death by suicide

Referral Line Call: 0330 088 9255

https://amparo.org.uk

ATALOSS

AtaLoss was established as a charity in 2016, to raise awareness of the effect of bereavement, provide a central signposting and information service for everyone bereaved and to train and equip community support.

AtaLoss.org is the UK's signposting and information website for bereaved people

CALM

Helpline: 0800 585 858 (national) Every day 17.00 – midnight

thecalmzone.net

PAPYRUS

Prevention of young suicide

Call: 0800 068 4141 Open 24 hours every day

Text: 88247

Papyrus UK Suicide Prevention | Prevention of Young Suicide (papyrus-uk.org)

SAMARITANS

Call: 116 123 Open 24 hours every day

Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen