Suicide, Grief and Loss Part 7 of 7

SURVIVING BEING BEREAVED BY SUICIDE.

9/16/20248 min read

Losing someone to death by suicide can be isolating. It can challenge your understanding of the relationship you had with the bereaved, and provoke intense emotions, physical pain and distress. Many people who have been bereaved by suicide report stronger, and more intense feelings of responsibility, shame, guilt, abandonment, and anger, than those people who were bereaved by other forms of sudden death.

No matter what the person’s history is, (whether they have attempted to end their life before) their death can be shocking and unexpected. Research suggests that people bereaved by suicide have an increased risk of mental health problems, suicide attempts, and death by suicide.

Feelings of abandonment, helplessness, guilt and anger are widely experienced by those left behind. It is common to try and find reasons for their death, and to try and attribute some responsibility to others and yourself for their death. People in this situation often keep going back over what has happened. This rumination, whilst common, can be very hard to break free from. Other common experiences are an inability to concentrate at work or education, or in social settings and feeling the need to avoid being around friends and family.

DEATH BY SUICIDE

Death by suicide does not discriminate, and can affect people from all statuses, backgrounds, cultures, religions, ages and genders. Death by suicide has a ripple effect and makes it difficult for people to reconcile themselves with the person’s death. Some studies suggest that between 10 and 60 people are affected by each suicide. Each individual’s relationship with the deceased is unique, ranging from being close family, and friends to being connected by social activities. Each of their experiences will be unique to them, and be as shocking and devastating for the family as it can be for distant acquaintances.

Being bereaved by suicide can provoke a range of intense and unfamiliar feelings that can be very unsettling and feel out of control. Feelings of shock, social isolation, abandonment and self-reproach can be overwhelming. All these and many more feelings are a natural part of grieving. People who are bereaved by suicide commonly report the struggle with the usually unanswerable question “Why?” This can be the hardest part to adjust to, as many people will never get the answer.

Surviving being bereaved by suicide can impact your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being, listed below are a few feelings that are commonly reported.

Physical feelings can include -

Hollow or twisting pain in the stomach. Tightness in the chest.

Tightness and pain in the throat. Sensitivity to noise.

Breathlessness. Disturbed sleep.

Generalised Pain Triggering Digestive Problems

Poor concentration. Lack of energy - exhaustion

Emotional experiences can include -

Shock and disbelief. Anguish, longing, and searching.

Anger, and Guilt. Fear, paranoia, and anxiety.

Despair, depression, and sadness. Relief, and shame

Spiritual experiences can include –

Questioning their faith. Searching for a connection with the deceased.

Questioning their own mortality.

These experiences are common, but everyone’s journey is unique to them. The above points are just the tip of the iceberg and are not exhaustive, they are listed to hopefully they can give reassurance to others, that their experiences are shared, and that they are not abnormal or wrong

MY OWN EXPERIENCE

My own experience of suicide is wanting things to stop the intense emotional and physical pain. Most of the time I did not want to die, but to get a release from the whirlwind of pain and distress. When these attempts did not work, I was left with feelings of shame, failure and inadequacy. These would leave me vulnerable to further attempts to end my life

Having some understanding of why someone would end their own life did not lessen the emotional pain, or the self-damaging thoughts. It made me feel inadequate and responsible, as I did not see this coming. I found myself searching for reasons, searching through text messages, to see if I could have intervened or find some point at which I should have foreseen her death.

A big part of adapting to my friend’s death was the experience of anger. The anger was at first directed towards her family; in the way they denied me the opportunity to say goodbye by having a family-only funeral. Then it morphed into anger directed at my friend, anger at her for abandoning me, for making me face the world without her, and for leaving me behind. I know none of this was her intention, but it hurts. Followed by a tidal wave of guilt, I should not get angry at her for the pain I am feeling, or the emptiness she left behind.

One of the most difficult parts of losing someone to suicide is dealing with important occasions and anniversaries. If my friend did not die, she would have celebrated her 38th birthday. Dealing with this was incredibly hard. I went through the birthday gifts I had brought her and did not know what to do with them. It did not seem right to give them to another person, but I needed to make them mean something - something that my friend would have appreciated. I talked with my worker about what my friend’s interests were, and what I was feeling about my friend’s birthday. As my friend was passionate about cats, the presents I had purchased went to the Cats Protection Charity Shop. She would have approved of that. Dealing with her birthday would prove to be painful, however, with my worker, we formulated a plan to get through the day. From being busy, to having time to reflect and what to do if my feelings became unmanageable.

It is hard to describe the experience of grief as it comes and goes. I can be walking down the street when I could smell her perfume and bang, it all hits me at once like a sucker punch to the chest. Little things suddenly seem like impossible mountains to climb. These ebb away but come back with vengeance. I can quickly get disorientated and overwhelmed, but I am learning that these feelings will ease. I do not know how long it will take to accommodate the feelings around my friend’s death. Sometimes it feels as if I will never be able to continue. People say there are no set time limits on grief, so how do you know when to get help? For me, it was not being able to function, and feeling totally overwhelmed and lost all the time. One of the hardest things in the world is to open up about your feelings about a person who died by suicide, but choosing the right person to help walk you through these feelings can be a way of getting a sense of being able to continue with life.

GETTING SUPPORT – WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE FOR ME

I contacted an organisation called Amparo. I chose to email them as it allowed me to express how I was feeling at that time, very isolated, useless, incredibly vulnerable, and not knowing which way to turn. I could not see what would help, or a way of ever accommodating these intense emotions and self-destructive thoughts. In simple terms, I felt desperate.

A worker from Amparo replied to my email within two days and we agreed to meet face-to-face. For me, this was a big step as I had no idea what the support would entail, or how I would ever get to a stage where I could manage. Since my friend’s death, I have found myself withdrawing from all social activities, as I just could not bear to be around people. I felt people would see my pain and judge me, or that I would make things worse for others. The worker met me in a café and listened to me, listened to my distress and for the first time allowed me to speak about my friend’s death by suicide. She did not judge, validated my experiences, and held a safe space for me to speak. Whilst I remember the feelings of that first meeting, I do not remember what I said, or how coherently I spoke. My mind was firing a thousand thoughts at once, some of those thoughts being incredibly damaging and paranoid. Ranging from, it was my fault my friend died, to it should have been me. Through to, the worker is only here as it is their job, and they would not be interested in me as there are more deserving people for her to see. I remember the worker was reassuring and sparked a sense of calmness and hope.

Since the initial meeting, I have met the worker on a monthly basis, and together explored my thoughts about the family excluding me from the funeral, different ways of marking my friend’s passing, and discussing my memories of my friend. There have been days where I haven’t functioned at all, but knowing there is someone available to listen, is a powerful tool. What I have gained from the appointments is a way of rationalising some of the damaging thoughts, the knowledge that my feelings do not make me a freak, and they are understandable and shared by others who are bereaved by suicide. This does not mean things are easy but slowly they are becoming clearer, and I am slowly learning to accommodate my loss.

One thing that struck me was how hard it was to get through the day, I was totally exhausted but unable to get a restful sleep. It sounds almost condescending, but I was caught in wanting to sleep, and wake up to find the events did not happen, that it was a horrible nightmare. At the same time, my body was rigid with pain in all my muscles, and my head felt like it would explode under the pressure of her death. Discussing this with the worker we talked about breaking each day down into smaller manageable tasks, focussing on what is important and giving myself time to rest and time to grieve.

I have been allowed to go over the same thoughts and details in several appointments to slowly lessen the constant need to discuss my friend’s death. There are further questions about what happens after a person dies by suicide that I need answers to, which I will get to discuss in future appointments. “Is there an inquest after every death by suicide?” “Are these open to the public?” “Can I see a copy of the inquest report?”. These are some of the many questions that keep going around my head and I need some answers to allow me to process her death. Even if I could access the inquest report, I may never do so, but leave it as an option. I am unsure as to what benefit I would get in reading an inquest report, perhaps it is a need to find answers or attribute reasons for her death. Ultimately this is something for further exploration.

If this blog helps one person through difficult times, then my friend’s death is not a meaningless statistic. I cannot emphasize enough that even in the bleakest times you are not alone. Reach out for support and keep reaching out. My worker has helped me through some dark times and promoted a sense of hope. The only time when there is no way forward is when you are dead.